4 Skills Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Partnerships

Monogamous couples can learn a thing or two from polyamorous partnerships—especially when it comes to open communication and jealousy.

One of the popular misconceptions about polyamory is that it's a "free-for-all," but that's not usually the case. People within ethical non-monogamous relationships communicate a lot about the ethics and boundaries that allow their relationships to thrive.

Through his therapy work with couples (both monogamous and non-monogamous), licensed clinical social worker Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSED has noticed that people in ethical non-monogamous partnerships often develop helpful skills for navigating their relationships—skills that people in all kinds of romantic relationships, including monogamous ones, could do to learn.

One reason could be that ethical non-monogamous couples are treading new territory, so they must spend more time communicating about their feelings and constantly reevaluating their boundaries, Lundquist says.

"There are more organic points in the process where people need to be able to say, 'Gosh, how are we going to do this? This is a new thing,'" Lundquist says. "Rules have to be created rather than assumed and taken for granted."

Compersion is the pleasure you feel when your partner experiences pleasure, Lundquist says. You know the phrase, "Don't yuck someone else's yum?" Think of compersion as: "Yumming someone else's yum."

Within the polyamorous community, compersion usually refers to the joy you feel when your partner experiences sexual or romantic pleasure with someone else, but it can really apply to all kinds of pleasures, not only sexual pleasure, Lundquist says.

Compersion occurs when partners are able to face their jealousy head-on. Instead of feeling jealous about your partner connecting with other people and having a fun time without you, you feel happy about their joy.

"Are you able to take enough pleasure in your partner's pleasure to override some pretty understandable feelings of jealousy that are going to emerge?" Lundquist says.

People in polyamorous relationships are often very open about jealousy, Lundquist says.

People in polyamorous relationships often find themselves redefining the norms of romantic relationships and communicating about what a healthy and fulfilling relationship looks for each of them.

Lundquist errs on the side of "over-communication" in relationships—checking in regularly on all aspects of your relationship and lives so that you're on the same page.

Monogamous couples could take a page out of a polyamorous partnership's playbook and try to understand that it's not only normal, but good for your partner to be close to people outside of your relationship.