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5 Therapist-Approved Questions To Help You Identify Your Emotional Wounds

Author:

Jason Wachob

February 01, 2024

mbg Founder & Co-CEO

By Jason Wachob

mbg Founder & Co-CEO

Jason Wachob is the Founder and Co-CEO of mindbodygreen and the author of Wellth.

Image by Vienna Pharaon, LMFT

February 01, 2024

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Everyone has childhood wounds, declares licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. No matter your family dynamic or upbringing, you likely have some unresolved issues from your past. The key is to work through those past traumas before they become an obstacle in your present life.

But where should you start? Well, it helps to identify your emotional wounds before diving into healing work, but many of our deep cuts can show up in unexpected ways. Here, Pharaon poses five questions to identify the emotional trauma you may not even know exists:

Where are you reactive?

"One great question [to ask] is, 'Where in my life am I most reactive?'" Pharaon shares. "Reactivity is the neon sign that points us to irresolution."

Think about the conversations that easily set you off. What are you talking about and with whom? Is there a familiar sensation you can pinpoint from your past?

"Where have I experienced this before? What do I know about this? Is it that I don't feel prioritized in these moments? Is it that I don't feel good enough in these moments? Is it that I don't feel like I can trust in these moments?" Pharaon offers.

Your defensive behavior may not seem suitable for that specific conversation, but the context matters. As Pharaon says, "If it doesn't match in the moment, it matches to some moment, even if it's not the one that just presented."

Do you often give advice without taking it yourself?

It's an all too familiar scenario: Your friends and loved ones frequently come to you for advice—be it about love, money, careers, boundaries—yet you seldom take your own guidance.

According to Pharaon, this disconnect can clue you in to your own emotional scrapes. "It's another really good indicator for your resolution around wounds."

What did you need most as a kid

Next up: What did you need most as a kid and not get? This is a heavy one, says Pharaon, so give yourself time to sit with the question and really acknowledge it.

That being said, this is not a time to bash your parents and critique your upbringing. "We're not here to throw anybody under the bus. We're not here to just point blame and shame," she says. Rather, think of it as an exercise for yourself to honor your past pain so you can move forward from it.

"When we can name that, we can sometimes see where that pattern plays out," she adds. "Where am I still seeking that? Where am I still not getting that today in my relationships?"

Are you a people-pleaser?

"The pleasers, the perfectionists, the performers out there—those are a lot of the people who struggle with a worthiness wound," says Pharaon.

It's a very common type of emotional wound, she notes, and it happens quite subtly. Maybe your parents incentivized you with an allowance or praise at the dinner table if you did something they wanted.

"[It's] this idea that I am only worthy of attachment, connection, love, validation, affirmation, [and] peace in our family if I am performing in the way that you need me to," she explains. "We learn that the only way to get the things we crave and desire as kids is to perform in the way that the adults in our lives require us to." That wound, she says, can appear in adulthood as constant people-pleasing.

Are you competitive?

Look, there's nothing inherently wrong with aspiring to excellence. "I love to compete as well," Pharaon notes, and determination is a gift. But she also says that your wounds can easily hide underneath those glittering attributes.

"It's important for us to inquire: If that's not there, who am I? If I'm not pushing myself, who am I without [that drive]?" she notes. It requires looking past the desire to achieve and noticing any feelings of inadequacy, for example, lingering underneath that initial goal. Chances are, you might need some emotional healing work.

The takeaway

According to Pharaon, every human on the planet rubs up against some sort of emotional wound. It can be overwhelming to know where to start that healing work (so we recommend seeing a professional if you can), but identifying those patterns is half the battle. Take it from Pharaon: "If we're willing to acknowledge and honor the story, then it loosens its grip on us."