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102 Questions For Couples To Build Intimacy
It helps to know a lot about your partner. If you know their favorite movie, then you can surprise them with tickets when it's rereleased in theaters. If you know their hopes and dreams, then you can help them work toward a future they love. If you know what's on their bucket list, then you can plan a fun adventure together.
Plus, people love to be asked questions. Research shows that people who ask more questions are typically liked more in conversation, despite our inclination to talk about ourselves instead of asking other people questions.
Whether you're in a new relationship or have been with your partner for years, take a look through our list of questions to see if there's something you can't answer about your partner—then go find out.
Do you know what they'd do if they had more free time? Their thoughts on extraterrestrial life? If they'd still love you if you were a worm? From profound to silly and personal to general, these questions should spark thought-provoking conversations between you and your partner.
Questions for new-ish couples to get to know each other better
- What's your favorite album?
- What's your favorite movie?
- What's your favorite sex position?
- What's the best museum you've ever visited?
- Tell me about your best travel experience.
- Are you an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?
- What's your attachment style?
- Are you more of a city, suburb, or country person?
- Describe your dream house.
- What movie do you relate to the most? Why?
- How did your last relationship end?
- Have you ever cheated?
- Have you ever been cheated on?
- Is there a song that perfectly sums up your life?
- What qualities do you admire in someone?
- If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?
- If you could start any nonprofit organization, what would it be?
- When was the last time a movie made you cry? What was it?
- What's your relationship like with your parents?
- Do you have any phobias? If so, what are they?
- Would you rather go out on Friday night or stay in?
Questions for long-term couples
- What do you wish you had more time to do?
- What does your ideal Saturday look like?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with a new career, what would it be?
- What small changes could we implement that would make you happier?
- Do you like where we live?
- How can I help you become a better version of yourself?
- What is something you wish I cared more about?
- What do you like most about my personality?
- What do you think our greatest strength is as a couple?
- What is our biggest weakness?
- What did you used to want to be when you grew up?
- What do you miss about being a kid?
- What are the top three things on your bucket list?
- What is your biggest fear for the future?
- Would you rather spend money on experiences or objects?
- Is there something new or different you want to do together during sex?
- How do you like to receive love?
- What was your happiest moment in the last year?
- What skill have you always wanted to learn?
- How do you feel about social media?
- Do you want to have kids?
- What kind of parent do you want to be?
- Where would be a fun place for us to visit together?
Playful questions for couples
- Would you rather? (Example: Would you rather live on the East Coast or the West Coast?)
- Would you still love me if I was a worm?
- Who would play you in a movie?
- Who would play me in a movie?
- Are there any actors you think are overrated?
- What's your favorite holiday?
- What outfit do you put on when you want to feel most confident?
- What reality TV show would you join as a contestant?
- What's your most niche interest?
- What's the weirdest thing you've Googled within the last week?
- What's the worst movie that you secretly love?
- Do you have any guilty pleasures?
Deep questions for couples
- Do you believe in extraterrestrial life?
- Would you change anything about your life if you could?
- What do you think happens when we die?
- Would you rather give or receive?
- What does unconditional love mean to you?
- How would you define your spirituality?
- When do you feel shame?
- What's your most unpopular opinion?
- What quality do you want to nurture more of in yourself?
- What is your favorite quality about yourself?
To make them fall in love (all over again)
Researchers have devised a set of 36 questions that could potentially cause people to fall in love with each other—or at the very least understand each other more.
Psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., Elaine Aron, Ph.D., and their team came up with the questions as an experiment to see if strangers could use the conversational prompts to fall in love. It's worked for some people, including writer Mandy Len Catron who wrote a popular New York Times essay on the questions, but others have felt that the questions made their relationships feel too serious too soon.
Set I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
- Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
- Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The takeaway
One of the most effective ways to learn more about your partner is to ask them questions. It might feel awkward to pull up a list of conversation starters on a date, but those feelings will likely subside once you're in a deep conversation about their childhood or your favorite movie. Remember to listen well, ask thoughtfully, and reap the benefits of improved communication.
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