The 3 Things Every Relationship Needs To Thrive, According To The Gottman's

Whether you've been with someone for one year or 30, being a good partner never goes out of style. And according to psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts, founders of the Gottman Institute, and authors of Fight Right, there are a few keys to being in a relationship you never want to forget.

We all make "bids for attention," even if we don't realize it. From pointing out how blue the sky looks, to sighing when we're feeling stressed, to commenting on something you're watching, every time a partner doesn't acknowledge a bid for attention, we feel the sting.

Seems obvious, but the in case anyone needs a reminder: People like to feel listened to. As Julie explains, a common characteristic of couples who have lasting, reasonably happy relationships is that, "When their partner is upset, the world stops and they listen—and they listen well."

In Julie's words, when we listen to our partner, we ought to listen with empathy and understanding being the goal, as opposed to things like judgement, criticism, or thinking about how we can argue our own position.

Another aspect of partnership that can be incredibly unifying and empowering is when partners know and support each other's dreams and vision for the future. Of course, you may have goals together, like renovating your kitchen or saving up a certain amount for your child's college fund, but your partner likely has their own individual dreams, as well.

One last thing: even if you and your partner get on board with all three of the aforementioned tips, conflict is still going to happen. According to John, that's OK, so long as you have a ratio of 5:1 positive experiences in the relationship for every negative one.

And when conflict does strike, Julie adds, get clear what you're fighting for. Namely, she says, "The way people fight is a broken system; they either fight to persuade their partner that they're right and win the argument, or they wind up casting their partner as a stranger."

Every relationship is different. People feel most loved in different ways, each with unique wants, needs, and desires. But when it comes to universal things like feeling seen, validated, and appreciated—those are no-brainers.